January 3, 2014
Happy New Year of Onion-esque headlines!
It’s been a while, so how about a short installment of “Headlines that should be from the Onion, but they’re not.”
*****
“With Money at Risk, Hospitals Push Staff to Wash Hands.” –New York Times, 5/29/13
“Hobbits’ Size Not Likely Linked To Growth Disorders.” –New York Times, 7/15/13
“McDonald’s Can’t Figure Out How Its Workers Survive On Minimum Wage.” –The Atlantic, 7/16/13
“Tuition Aid From a Zombie Elf.” –New York Times, 9/8/13
“Ikea Spying Revelations Stir Outrage in France.” –New York Times, 12/16/13
“A Reluctant Bride Conquers Her Fears.” –New York Times, 12/30/13
“People who can still afford to live in New York praise Bloomberg.” –The New Yorker, 12/31/13
*****
I have every faith that the coming year will continue to provide us with news that ought to be some kind of satire…but isn’t.
December 23, 2011
Onion-esque, volume 5
While I gather my wits for a more substantial post, please enjoy this edition of “Headlines that should be from the Onion, but are not.”
“Despite careful calculations, the world does not end.” –New York Times, 5/21/11
“City strewn with perverts.” –AMNY, 6/15/11 (I know the situation isn’t funny, but the imagery is.)
“Girls Meet Bieber in Meeting Brokered by President Obama.” –gawker.com, 6/27/11
“China admits officials cannot levitate.” –New York Times, 6/30/11
“Cowboy monks quit the cattle business.” –New York Times, 8/14/11
“Bisexual men do exist, study finds.” –New York Times, 8/21/11
“Why do college students love getting wasted?” –Salon.com, 8/29/11
“Do we really need a national weather service?” –foxnews.com, 8/27/11 (i.e., the weekend of Hurricane Irene, which swiped the entire east coast of the United States from the Carolinas to Massachusetts and Vermont. Yeah.)
“White House Says No Evidence of Extra-Terrestrials.” –AP, 11/7/11
“Rick Perry fails to remember what agency he’d get rid of in GOP debates.” –cbsnews.com, 11/9/11
“Starbucks toilet mutiny exposes reliance.” –New York Times, 11/22/11
April 1, 2011
Onion-esque headlines, volume 4
Time for another edition. Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!
***
“Computer calculates most boring day ever.” –Time, 11/28/10
“German customs officials seize fake canned unicorn meat.” –Time, 12/2/10
“Palin denies Tea Party’s involvement in Dancing with the Stars.” –Jezebel.com, 12/7/10
“Dubai jails ‘wizard’ who promised rain of cash.” –New York Times, 1/12/11
“AOL buys another crack at a future.” –New York Times, 2/7/11
“Scientists discover how to make squids go completely berserk.” –Christian Science Monitor, 2/18/11
“Aussies warned to flee killer birds.” –newser, 2/18/11
“[John] Edwards lies low, but that won’t last.” –New York Times, 2/28/11
“Avril Lavigne not quite a grown-up.” –New York Magazine, 3/8/11
“Study undercuts view of college as a place of same-sex experimentation.” –New York Times, 3/17/11
“Fight waged with forks is rejoined in Congress.” –New York Times, 3/17/11
“Young people with old souls prefer records to CD’s.” –New York Times, 3/21/11
“Gay bar mourns Elizabeth Taylor.” –New York Times, 3/24/11
November 28, 2010
Onion-esque headlines, volume 3
For your Sunday newspaper-reading pleasure….
“I wasn’t in a pie-eating contest, I was racing ducks, says mum who bottled man in pub toilet.” –Herald.ie, 7/23/10
“Eviction notice goes to owner of Ohio killer bear.” –AP, 8/28/10
“Victoria Beckham: Is she for real?” –New York Times, 9/3/10
“Jehovah’s witnesses mad that atheists won’t keep their views to themselves.” –Alternet.org, 9/8/10
“FOX calls for repeal of the 20th century.” –Media Matters, 9/8/10
“Klingon opera makes debut in the Netherlands.” –Christian Science Monitor, 9/11/10
“Tensions linger between Pope and Anglicans” –New York Times, 9/22/10
“UK proposes all paychecks go to the state first” –cnbc.com, 9/20/10
“Pantless stand against authority is a mere blip in Boulder’s long culture war” –New York Times, 9/22/10
“GA leader: Boring names will stop rural sign theft” –AP, 9/25/10
“Abstract Expressionism is so overrated.” –Newsweek, 9/25/10
“Philosophy Day raises questions before it begins.” –New York Times, 10/24/10
“Radioactive rabbit trapped on nuclear reservation.” –Tri-City Herald, 11/5/10
“Kanye denies Illuminati membership rumors.” –Hip Hop Weekly, 11/5/10
“Underground grilled cheese dealer to become high-end restaurant manager.” –NYPost, 11/4/10
“Police arrest 20 who tried to sneak into unused subway station filled with art.” –New York Times, 11/12/10
“Picture books no longer a staple for children.” –New York Times, 10/7/10
“Florida boy donates pet turtle to aquarium, watches it get eaten alive by alligator.” –New York Post, 10/13/10
“Missing Irishman found down [at] his local pub.” –Irish Central, 10/12/10
Thanks to Emily #2, Matt, and Joe for contributions.
September 4, 2010
Onion-esque headlines, volume 2
My last two posts were a little bit heavy, so here are some more funny headlines for a lovely three-day weekend.
“Samples leak of preposterous Bob Dylan Christmas album.” –NYMag, 9/19/09
“O’Keefe: You can’t escape the sex.” –AMNYork, 9/18/09
“Study finds women wear shoes that cause pain.” –New York Times, 9/29/09
“Scots aim lasers at landmarks.” –New York Times, 11/4/09
“It will be disappointing for many reasons if the world actually ends in 2012.” –NPR.org, 11/9/09
“Government-backed Chinese gay bar stays empty.” –Salon.com, 12/1/09
“Parents often don’t know what kids are talking about.” –Newsweek, 12/25/09
“Newsflash: It’s still really hard to make a living in theater.” –Stage Directions, February 2010
“Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters.” –Reuters, 7/3/10
“Anglican body hits impasse on women.” –New York Times, 7/10/10
“Wrong. All of It. Ditto for Everyone Involved.” -New York Times, 8/15/10
“Rare Look at Documents Shows Pirates Are Making Money.” –New York Times, 8/23/10 (It’s actually about the Pittsburg Pirates, not just pirates, my first impression which made me think “since when do pirates keep documents?”)
“I was a landlord to a Russian spy, and he was a total slob.” –Alternet.org, 8/24/10
